Journey- to- Wellness

A New Day Many Days Later Dec 26, 2006

2006-12-26T10:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Good Friends
It has been many months since I have written My life just slips away with illness and business

I have been part of a coaching group for the last 6 months which has been awesome I have met the most wonderful Inspiring Ladies and our Coach Heather is truly a Godsend
We are closing up our group I hope temporarily because heather has so many prior comments We are all so proud of her

These past months I have been in my psychotherapy and my hypnotherapy and dietician and pilates and Qigong and acupuncture and chiropractor Everything helps for short periods of time But I think overall except for the stress I am dong OK

I really have had so much help and such great support But I have not written and I thing it is about time
Also I am seeing an ED therapist My anorexia was getting pretty bad and my Primary doctor wanted to put me in a residential treatment and I fought it off believing I could do it with the help I alresdy have
I have had a lot of successful times and some disasters
One of the reasdons I am writing, my dietitcan Mary has asked me to write

My husband and I just returned from a vacation in Mexico It wasa great time very stressfree , lots of beautiful weather and sandy beaches and a beautiful pool and LOTS OF FOOD Thats what she wants me to write about

Out of 8 days We had 4 dinners in regular resturants and the rest of the time 3 meals a day in one of the buffet resturants We were in an all inclusive resort All the food and alocohol

The first 3 days I went while I was eating like there was no tomorrow I get like that at buffets I hate never ending food But the food was good and there were lots of really healthy choices lots of fruits and vegies and lots of fish and seafoods I se Shrimp and there is not enough in the world for me Well I stuffed and stuffed those days but I didnt let it really mess up my head too much I was also drinking I had to try allthe great drinks Most of them were way to sweet and I only had a few sips and moved on to the next one

I do admit I had a lot of exercise I was constatly working out In bed in the morning I did a whole pilates session We walked on the beach or hours and I was tight and sucking in We spent hours in the pool and I was either swimming or doing water exercise There was no rest except for sleeeping We were always around and about Although there was lovely lounging round the pool and having a drink and reading

My husband was on best behavior He was calm and elaxed and having a good time and very attentive and loveing and caring.
It was a great trip I did go into periods of being upset about all the eating but after a while it did calm down and Iwas eating pretty normal adn like I said I did make good choices even thogh sometimes a bit exxessive and I did indulge ina little desert and it was heaven we also celebreated our anniversary there and had a delicois chocolate cake.
I was very happy with the trip
Coming home was another story My husband went into stess mode and he became insensitive and his old self really quik yelling and cursing and trying to make me miserable While I was on vacation I felt really good Hardly any pain but completely constipated Coming home allmy pain retunrd and I need ed to spend about 3 days in bed recovering. I really felt awful. The docs said it was the stress ie husband Then I was back to my schedule with all my appointment and running around I was not feeling the greatest and he was a bitch and his temper and mood were terrible
Then came the holidays Chanukah and Xmas First I received no gifts from my husband for Anniverary Chanukah or Xmas and I was very very disapointed especially the way he was treating me
Then my daughter came home Friday and we have been having a great time even though she is sick with bronchitis and he has mellowed a little and I have some pain but I am going to the bathroom
We spendt a good deal of time with friends and that wss nice Yesterday was a total relaxing day expecialy I made mydaughter nap because she was really feeling poorly
But last nigth we opend gifts and it was nice But no gift from husband Then after all was done my daughter said he agreed to give me a Coach purse which really thrilled me I love Coach and kind of collect them I have really big on bags and shoews So I was hapy that he was giving me a nice gift becaudse I had given him gifts and my daughter ess very happy with her gifts
Anyway I ahve been eating with abandon Sometimes eating a little too much and othr times a little to prepare for a feast I have eaten trifle (outstanding) apple pie, chocolate and several othr goodies and alot of champagne
I am not lettting it botther me It is the holdiays but now it is over and I will get back to normal But I figure a few days of eating and enjoying the holidays is not going to kill me

Mary I am sorry but I am going to need to really cut back a litle and really catch up on exercise Since I have been home I have not ben to the gym and now it is time to start
I am going to be starting 2007 in a healthy frame of mind and be well and take care of myself and always give thanks to God everyday and always be in an attutude of gratitude
Haopy New year to all my blogging friends and thank you all
I love you all
In Health and Happiness

Much love
KAren
Dec 26, 2006

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-09-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-09-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-09-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

Dear everyone I am now trying to get back to my blogging In akl the years I journaled this is by far the hardest Maybe because it is to be shared and not kept private
TOday is September 28, 2006
I have been through a lot since I last wrote I really believed I was doomed in my Ed there ws no jhope for me no mater how I tried the fear of food the lack of appetite the dread of eating whatt he dietician wnated me to eat was enourmous.
I believed I need to go for treament or I would just fall apart, I had this feeeling that with inoatient treatment the othr physical problems would dissolve and I would feel good aboutmyslef and then I would ber OK The things we make ourselves believe
When we went to the foirsr center which was ac=day center I was unciomfortable and miserable and knew it was not for me
TJis past Sunday we drove to Palos Verdes about an hour away frommy home to a residential treatment center called Oceanaire. It wssa lovely home overlooking the ocean with a swimming poola dn lots of recreational stuff There was treatment 24/7 theyweatched you like a hawk no privacy they even went to the bathrom with yu They did take you on trip to shopping and beach etc and thee was lots of fun involved. But they were so strickt I didnt know how I could survie there I believed that it was a good place for me and i HAD a chance to recovr but I was so scared about leaving my world behind my privacvy they were very strict on meals 3 meals a day and 3 snacks and they watch you eat and you had to eatr what they gave you and I am so paticular and eat so fw thinbgs it scaed me outof my mind but something was teling me I need to be there I couldnt go on likek this
I have been thinking aout it all week I want to come to the decision by myself My firends who mean all the world to me have offered theri opinions and feeling and their trust in me We have discused it in our cirlce They are all so supportive, H and A and J and T and all the rest We listend to Christine Kane at our circle She said so many things I needed to hear and to know that I can do the work iwth thre help and support and tools tht Ihave
My hypnotheraoist is agianst it my husband is against it I am trying to deal with my heart and not what I think should be the best way of treatment for me A and J helped me t=[with that
I am grateful that I have such a wonderful support system to help me and guide me but it is still down to me to make the final decisions
I have turned the paper workk over to my doc
I will pray on it and see what happens
RIght now Ineed to work on my appeals and Independent medical review so I can get the treatment I ned for my back and intestines and legs

I could not sleeplast nigth I opted not to take the sleeping pill It probably was not a good idea. Ihad a terrible night with a lot of pain, So I am feeling less than well today but I will go to my Dahn yoga class and I have my rolfing
I also start my piano lesssons today and I am quite excited
I have been u0p for almost 2 hours I felt this was the best thing I could do for myslef and maybe someone else who is out there listening

I love you all Please dont desert me I will try to keep writing
In love & Health
Karen

Journey- to- Wellness: September 2006

2006-09-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness: September 2006

I decided to write more today Today being Septmeber 16,2006
I am stillnot feling a lot better but I am trying to get a lot of rest and be positiveI have my 2 big doc appointments on Tuesday and Wed which means I get to spend 2 whole days away from the norm and go to LA to UCLA on the othr hand I am missing other important appointments
plus the famiairairty of home
But I need to get this resolved I cant have this pain inmy gut and hav it clear down through my vagina and peliv floor right outo my rectum and expect to have any kind of normalcy My appetite is off and of course so are the BM
My insurance company findally came through and will send me to 2 Ed rehab centers
One is in Brentwod and is a day program which could be hard for me It is 6 days a week and a long day and I the driving would be diffficult The second oneis a residential program called Oceanair in Torrance about an hour away I wsnt too keen on residentioal but maybe I need to go where ever it is going totake me toget well I am rally falling aprt The Ed is really contributing to the BAck and Ibs and bladder and of cours my nerves
I would like some feed back
Also I am hearing fom Jessica agan I dont know what to say to her I am giving her my best suggestions I have brought her up tomy coaching group before I dont htink Ican help her Somethimg tellsme she doenst want help just sympathy
Please help me on this one
I am very tired I was a funeral this morning for a dear friend I wish he hadnt died I am trul worn out
I will keep my writng up
In love & Health
KAren
I meant what I said about spelling

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-09-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

Well I have decided to start again The turbulence in my life is escalating so I thought I would give it a nothr try. I just am not very good at this
I was doing better in the week MY Qigong wass good, my adjustments were god my rolfing ws good I was eatng ok and my coaching session really liftd me up, Yesterday I thougth was a good dayI went to acupuncture and I felt so good He Dr Leee) is really very good and he teaches me a lot. I closer my eyes and hope that maybe one day it wil be my dear friend E.I went to the Wellness center and got some supplements and an education and then on to my Dietician I really like her Her name is MAry She is very conventional but I have come to realize thst I need to eat a simple healthy food plan to keep these errosions from occuring. We agred and I said I would try We had added fat into the plan I knew that would be my biggest obstcle I am just so afraind But thats why Iam there to learn not to ber afrid.
I went toget my hair done after Ihad a great ime withmy stylist nad we just laughed nad talked and my hair wss graet
When I cam home I went tothe batheroomand then it hit me An explosive pain in my intestines the pain traveld down throughmy vagina and pelvic wall and clear to my recturm I felt like something hyuge wanted to blow up inside me I have had this pain be fore It comes and goes Thee is m=ny reason or rhyme it just hits and ineed to wait for it to pass sometimes quicker than othr I couldnt eat at all I tried a little chicken soup but it didnt help
The a got a call from the MArriage and family counselor I had hoped to get an appointment with and she was bookd Now now I am back on that trail
They discoved something in my huysbands heart and he needs to goto a cardiologist so we are pretty stresssed about that and a dear friend passed away on Wed and e have a funeral tomorrow
Last night I had a workshp at yoga on Chakres I really wanted to go I thiught it would help It ws a good class but I was in so much pain and as we did the 7 chkre meditaton I just clutched my stomach and cried the painwas so great I thought about going to the ER
I came home and took my attivan and a rectal supposotory for pain relief and put a heating pad betwen my legs and stmoach and lied down Inabotua halof hour a felt a little beter I went to slepand id fall fast asleep
I awoke around 5 with the excruiating pain and just cried until I fel back to sleep and awaok around 8
I decidded not to go to clas but to keep my chiropracotr appot and alsonot go to the Er I am go9n gto call y urologsit and GI doc when I am finished but I felt I wanted to get this out
I am seeing the dics this week Somethig has to be domne
Please pray for me as I keep telling myself i am shole and well and and have God to heal me
I will close this now before I lose it
The hell withspell check
Lots of love
KAren

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-09-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

To all my good friends

Sept 8,2006

I tried to write my blog this morning. I had had a very turbulent night and was up before 6 in a lot of pain and just couldn't stay in bed anymore and just couldn't sleep but I sure didn't want to get up but I did
I am really stuck in a hard place and I thought that it was high time I sat down and wrote in my blog I poured my heart out to you all and really talked about what my life has been since Nashville and how down I have been.
It has been a long day and I have just returned from the doctor where they took a ton of blood and I am very exhausted. So this is all I an going to write But I want you to know especially Ladies of the circle that I tried and if I could do it this morning I will do it again
In love & Health
Karen

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-09-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-08-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

JOURNEY TO NASHVILLE
Hi I thought it was time that I better write this blog. It was a great trip and I want to say that I am so grateful that the security hadn't reached that super alert stage yet. And There Iwas in Nashville surrounded by Israeli and Jewish dignitaries. We had plenty of security
I left Sat July 22. I flew out of LAX with about a dozen of my friends from our region The flight was OK I was walking around a lot visiting It was hard to sit for me
When we arrived we went straight away to the hotel THe Gaylord Opryland It was magnificent 5 STARS all the way. I will figure out a way to get my pictures on line
We checked in and rested and then had some dinner and then we were ready for the Grand Ole Opry. The Opry is world famous for country western music and southern type humor and entertainment and every Friday and Saturday night the show is broadcast on country western radio stations daughter thought I was going to the Opera and wanted to hear about it. I guess a lot of the younger generation isn't that familiar with hillbilly and country stuff
The show was great It was very long and we were tired but we hung it out The performers were great A lot of them really old like pushing 100. Then there were a lot of young ones Most of them I had never heard of but we got to see Jodie Dee Messina,
Jean shepherd, Hank Ketchum and the Riders of the Night and Vince Gill(he was fabulous) all the performers were great and there were probably 100 of them. Each one came out did song or two and then on to the next. The music was awesome you were either clapping your hands and feet or crying. It was a great experience and I am so glad I went
The next morning a friend and I went on a tour of the hermitage which was Andrew Jackson's Plantation It was really beautiful It was kept really well and the furnishings were incredible and the most beautiful gardens
Then it was time to come back and the start of the 92 NAtional HAdasah Convention. We had 90 delegates from So California so we were really proud
The first sessions always startsout out very jouous with music and dancing and it is very uplifting. We were all welcomed by National president June Walker who said that we must all step up to their advocacy for Israel during the current crisis in the middle east. The whole world is a narrow bridge she said isn't that the truth

Afterward all the Regional Presidents came to the stage one at a time with their signs proclaiming that Hadassah and their region stands with Israel in solidarity It was quite overwhelming
The rest of the afternoon we were entertained by the Israeli muscians as We Stepped to the rhythm of our Lives.

IN the evening Israeli Ambassador to the US Daniel Ayalon took the stage He proclaimed the delegates the real Zionists and thanking them for empowering Zionism as well as strong US-Israel relations. He said Israel will and the US must put up an iron fist against Hamas, Hezbollah and Iran will stay strong, defend our country and develop it. He encouraged Hadassah delegates to aid Israel as it tries to develop anmd grow new communities in the Negev and Galilee.
I know Hadassah will paeticipate in the challenge

We also heard from Professor ShlomoMor-Yosef, Director General of the Hadassah Medical Organization (HMO) who described how an always heroic medical team is going far beyond the call of duty. The HMO is the largest teaching and research hospital in the world with the most advanced technologies and procedures. It is the main project of Hadassah. HMO trains medical personal from all over the world, treats patients from allover the world (even the Arabs)
they turn no one away. In this time of war they have been sendingmedical units out into the battlefields and in times past they sent medical teams to Katrina and to diaster areas and third world countries all over the world.
It is part of the HAdassah Tikkun Olam Heal the world.
Many of the other MEdical personal wee there to describe new advances in their areas such as research in cancer and metabolic diseases.

Another highlight of the evening was the Holecaust Memorial in Whitwell Tenn,In 1998 undert he guidance of Linda Hooper , Princial of the WHitwell Middle school in the middle of Appalachia where there wasn't a Jew for hundreds of miles and no one in Whitwell even knew a Jew , they started a project on diversity. The students started to learn more about the Holocaust and wanted to do a tribute to the 6 million jJews who were killed in the death camps in World War II
having no idea what 6 million represented they wanted to collect 6 million something so that it would be tangible. They decided on paper clips. Paper clips were invented by a Norgwegian Jew and Norwegians wore them on their lapels to show their solidarity with their Jewish neighbors during WWII. They wrote to government people and clelbraties and people allover yhe country . They received over 20 million paper clips.
Today a WWII -era German rail car filled with 11 million paper clips(representing 6 million Jews and five million gypsies, homosexuals and other victims of the Holcaust ) prominently sits in the schoolyard of Whitwell Middle School. The power of one little schoolillustrates an unforgettable lesson on changing the worldone classroom at a time.. At any one time there are busloads of tourists to see this incredible Memorial.
They mad e a movie out of the story of Whitwell Middle school and their tremendous project
I believe the women of HAdassah link their hearts to our students to create a worldwhere acceptance, tolerance, and love are the rule and not the exception, said the principal.

I am going to stop here I am very tired right now I hope you enjoy and learn from this reading
In love & health
Karen

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-08-03T17:55:00.002-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

August 3,2006

I am finally writing. My therapist Dr Gallway said it was time to get back to writing I am almost embarrassed.
I thought our session on Tuesday was awesome I am very proud to be amongst such honest and open and caring women and I am glad that we can all be there for each other
I am going through a confusing time right now I opened up about my session with Rhonda I am still mulling it over in my mind I though I would have received her notes by now because a lot of my confusion arises from her and her observations which I didn't fully understand
I cam home from my trip expecting to have a session with Rhonda at 1:30 on July 27. A half hour before Barry called and said she was running late and it would be at least an hour after my scheduled time. I was disapointed but there was nothing I could do He phoned an houyr later saying they needed to postpone it to another day That pissed me off
WHen we finally agreed to a time which was more convenient for her than me I just wanst happyt
Angie you are so right about going into it negative I tried as hard as I could to be positive and open moinded but tpoday I can sit here and say What the hell was I thinking Spending nearly $400 to have a women speak to me over the phone with the intention of healing me and advising me without seeing me or knowing me When I made the appoinntment I was desparate I wouldl have done just about anything I could And I love Heather and I so respected everything she said (of course I still do) But that experience was clearly not for me.
I decided to just go with my feelings about everything AND FOOD THIS WEEK since I had no report from Rhonda and couldnt speak with Heather I was doing ok Now I should be doing ok I just had my rolfing session and it was great So much of my body is released and I have that lightness and flowing. I made a desicion to trun a matter over to God as it was out of my control. I have an appointment with my internist tomorrow to go over my health and treatmenst etcIt was unanamous by the GI doc and my surgeon that Western med cannot help my chronic back and leg pain and my IBS. My work woith my chiropreactor is going well it is going slow but there is definite improvement He was doing a report for me to turn into my Medical group so that I could try to get coverage becuase he is very expensive. Well they told me yesterday that the report was lost in his computer and he couldnt find it and was going out of town
My anxiety was through the roof I was out of control How could I get any financiall help with proof and the report.
After making myself crazy for quite some time I got donw on my knees and prayed to God for help and to turn the whole mater over to Him. I was totally helpless. Its in Gods hands now
I am highly emotional right now and need to take a break.
I want youy all to know that I am OK and I will be OK. God will take care of me and I will write more later
I love you all
In love & health
KAren

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-08-03T17:55:00.001-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-08-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-07-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

July 20,2006
I am finally getting around to writing. It has been a very hectic week and I leave for NAshville Sat morning. I am very excited This is my second Hadasah convention and they are so uplifting and motivational and fun and you meet women from everywhere and you learn so much. THis year with the turn of events in Israel I am very anxious to hear some of the speakers.
Right now I am feeling well I just finished my 3rd rolfing session. I will miss it next week but I will try like heck to remember everthing Tom taught me today
I have had an adjustment everyday this week and one tomorrow so I am flying off knowing that I have done the best I could for my body
I had a business luncheon today and it was great. I met some new women and the speaker was highly motivatonal She does business coaching and helps you find the right career
I am not sure if what I amdoing now (Arbonne Skin Care Consultant) is what I want to stay with long term I fell into it when I wsnt well and it has served me well plus it is a wonderful product and I will always use it I am totally open to do something new now that I am getting better and learning so much from Heather and everyone and gaining new confidence.I will plan to have an appointment with her when I return
The coaching group I am in is wonderful I have only atended one session yet but there will be great things
BAck to the meeting, they change the lunch to a buffet whcih freaks me out but I just ate salad and steamed vegies and didnt overdue so I was proud of myself I didnt know my time schedule for today so I wasnt sure if I would get to workk out But I managed to get to the pool.
I am working very hard to do the Body Ecology diet It is reallly hard for me. I ahve added a lot of the foods and suppliments I am ok with them I actually like cultured veggies and the seaweed and I love making smoothies with kefir. I have learned that spirulina does not agree with me and I have been haveing intestinal diffficuties this week and that may contribute to it But I have been making tea out of flax seed and it is very good I dont even strain it. I believe it is helping my digestion along with kombucha tea And I like the grains but I cant give up my fruit.
This next week my food will be out of my control I will be eating in resturants and banquets. So I am going to be easy on myself and do the best I can.
I will be meeting up with an old friend that I grew up with and havent seen in 30 years. That will be exciting catching up She still lives in my old home town and I havent been there for over 20 years.
When I come back I will be having my appointment with Rhonda Lenair I am real excited about that. But I can wait for it
August will be a month of relaxing and doctors appointments for me August 1 I start at the eating disorders clinic at UCLA. If they can change the behavior in my head along with the work I do on the blogs and coaching and therapy It wil be a miracle But It is going to happen just like God will heal me of my pain.
I met a woman today who was from Houston and she had belonged to Joel Osteens church and new him fairly well
She is first on my list to call when I return.
Well I will close for this evening.
I just want to remind you that I am going to the National HAdassah Convention. HAdassah is the worlds largest Zionist Organization. That means it is for the preservation of ISrael and healing the world through health and education. I am very proud to be involved in this group and I will come home with plenty to share.
HAve a great week
In Love & Health
KAren

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-07-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

JULY13,2006

Ihave been putting off writing. This is still kind of hard for me. But I have had 2 strange days and this morning Iwas not doing too well and thought YES it is time to write It is time to clean out and be honest with myself.
Yesterday I had a colonoscopy and the day before was the prep. Because of my digestive problems I have these tests fairly frequently. The prep day is awful All you can have is clear liquids and then you take these pills and then you drink a gallon of this stuff that is wretched and cleans you out but not with out cramping and pain and a lot of accidents. You ae on guard every second for a trip to the bathroom.Well I was pretty cleaned out and worn out completely I went to bed early to get up around 6 for the trip to the hospital.
That morning no anything and if you arent clear than an enema I was clear.
We got tothe hospital and they took me right away That wasa shock.However I laid on my gurney for 1 hour with no meds and feeling really awful. I had huge stomach cramps and my back was killing me. Finally they wheeled me into the procedure room where I waited almost another half hour for the doc and the sleeepytime meds. I was out in a flash. They let me sleep for about half hour afterwards then they start geting you up Iwas so groggy and crampy and gassy. The doc stopped by he said everything was good but they did 2 biopsies. He told me to eat more fiber. He told me to eat more. He is not even my doctor anymore since my med group has been sending me to UCLA. But they wouldnt pay for a colonoscopy at UCLA. So I had to have this jerk who after 7 years realized he couldnt help me and put in the referral to switch me to UCLA
I have to go to therapy I will be back soon
I am back and feeling much better after seeng Dr G. I just told him everything
This mornig was weird I was so wiped out and weak and I felt so stiff and out of shape. I wasnt sure about eating I had only eaten a litle for dinner last night chicken soup and chicken Rob forced me and this morning I wanted that empty flat stomach feeling but Iwas hungry and ate a huge bowl of bran with flax seed and kefir. I know iafter a liquid fast it is best to eat small amounts at a time.
Then I went for a swim That always makes me feel better. good for my muscles and pain and wakes me up.
I have to say that I have been feeling guilty about eating I had too much too fast but I got to get through that.
Dr G helped but I also wish I could have had an adjustment along with that. I stopped at whole foods to pick up some healthy food I got millet bread and the super green stuff I am trying to get into the BED diet very slowly.
Enough of that
LAst weekend Santa Barbara. It was a great trip. Roger my chiropractor gave me this great cushion to sit on My back felt ok the trip up It is about 90 minutes. I love the cushion.
It was beautiful in SB A little cooler than here in VAlencia It was about 80 and breezy. I wore a light jacket most of the time. Our hotel was great right across the street from the beach and a few blocks from the wedding.I was with Rachel and Rob. We went out for a walk on the beach and the marina and had lunch in this cute little place on the water. My pilates instrucotr told me to only drink a little water on Friday so my stomach would look flat in my dress. I wanted to share a sandwich with Rach but she didnt want to so Ihad a turkey sandwich and ate the whole thing It didnt bother me much. We walked around a bit more and looked at the boats then we headed back to the hotel I needed to rest before the wedding and we all needed showers. I took a little nap with the TENS electrodes on my hip and thigh.
Then I got ready I bought this stunning black dress that ws very lowcut and just below the knee. My hair and makeup turned out good. I wore my heels for the ceremony.
We got to the wedding at 5. It was at a hotel across from the beach outside with the most beautiful view. The ceremony was lovely and bride looked so beautiful. She is Rachel's friend and I have know her since she was a little girl. It was such a happy time. After the cerremony we had the cocktail hour I indulged in a few martinis and some champagne. They had grilled veggies which I love so I indulged but not too much. We were upstairs on the balcony and the view was sensational I tok a lot of pictures.
Then we went down for the reception. The dinner was a buffet I knew I was in trouble. I am so scared of those things I eatr myself into oblivion and get so sick.
I did some praaying and breathing and by the time our table went up I could see there were lots of good choices for me and it didnt have to be a disaster. I had sushi and shrimp and ahi tuna. Maybe a few more things I dont remember. Rob went to the car to get my flat shoes so I could be confortable and dance. We danced a bit and then sat down to rest. I though I would have a little more It was so good So I did. But I was not stuffed or full or feel bad. Iwas at a party and I was having a good time. Plus there wss food in me so I couldnt get drunk.
I had a few more glasses of wine and champagne and then we danced the rest of the night The music was awesome. I was wearing a lidocaine patch that was working pretty well till about 9 and then I felt pain but I was having so much fun Ididnt care. I wanted to have a good time and I did.
Rach was absolutley beautiful. She can wear a strapless dress and super high heels like no one can. She was dancing with this really hot guy. He seemed to really like her. Only problem is he is in Santa Monica and she is in Phoenix. Well where therer is a will there is a way. I told the bride Erica to make sure to give him her phone number when she gets back from honeymoon.
We stayed tillthe end and then went back to the hotel and collapsed.
We slept in till almost noon. What a great night
In the morning Iwas starting to feel guilty about all the eating but I worked really hard to push it out of my head That guilt is alwasys there as if I should never eat but as long as I dont act on the behavior I willbe somewhat safe.
The rest ofd the weekend was great. The weather was beautiful we shopped and ate and drank and shopped some more.
This weekend was my last hurrah for shopping as I am going broke with medical bills but I bough 2 gorgeous Coach bags. So did Rachel We are Coach freaks.
wehn we got home i was so exhausted betwen the weekend and the car ride but the cushion is tops. It was 100' when we got home. I slept practically the whole next day
But it was a great weekend I ate like a normal person. The only thing I didnt do was work out except for walking and dancing. So that swim felt really good today after these last 2 days
I am going to close for now I am very tired. Would love to hear from all of you.
My treatments are working I had my second rolfing session on Monday it was so great. and tomorrow I have pilates and an adjustment andf then I will rest for the weekend
Next weekend I leave for NAshville. That will be agreat story
In love & health

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-07-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

Friday July 7, 2006
Hi Everyone
I am writing to let you know I am going away for the weekend. It is the first trip in nearly a year. I have had my adjustment this morning and I am packed with all kinds of knowledge and goood and positive thoughts
We are going to a wedding in Santa BArbara and I am very excited My daughter came home last night and it is a family trip
I know Ihave all of you and your good thoughts and allmy good and positive thoughts along with my reading and my scriptures and God so I plan for it to be a postive wondrful trip.
I am feeling ok this morning I will be careful with my eating and stay relaxed and do a lot of breathing. Breathing in the good Chi and breathing outt the bad chi Keep my spine tall andand breathe into the pain.
I will write when I get back and wish you all a great weekend
In love & health
KAren

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-07-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

July 2 2006
Wow its hard to believe
I HAve been reading so mnay great blog entries. Somany times I just do not have time to read them so I print them out and resd them while sitting in my good comfy chair or in bed.
As I had writen my week was geting better and bettter The rolfing experince was excelent It made my body fel somuch beter I had one incident whare a part of my should ZTOm touched brought back horrendous meemoties of when I was a kid and I became emotionally drained and was having trouble breathing I was hyperventilating but Tom helped med get through the tough part Onky thing is I can stil feel those sensations in that part of my body and it is still bothering me. I ned to get rid ofMy Qigong master did a great energy healing on Friday and iwas ready to take on the world.
But Sat we tok a car trip 90 minutes to visit relatives to have dinnr and then drive home Ihad been doing ok but the drive home became a torture chanber for me and my pain was beyond workds Al those hours sitting and compressing myu spine I trioed to do bteathing exercises and visualizaton but the pain wouldl go away along wth a bout of indigestion so I couldnt wait ot get home.
I took my IBS meds and lied down on ice for a while It numbed my back but it wore off. So I had no choice but to take a muscle relaxant and my attivan a dn cymblata and trazadone and go to bed. I slept 15 hours My body really needed the rest. I am still not doing so well but Iplan to go back to the b pool today and do some water walking and stretching tomorrow is PT, Pilates amd Chiro I should be a lot better on Monday night . Tuesday darn that 4th of July I am on my own. So I have Wed and thurs for treatments and thenI goto Santa Barbara for the weekend I am planning on only good things and wellness. Its a happy weekend. I just want to keep off the painmeds and I cant wait for the next rolfing sesssion.
Well I willleave you and please know that I wilbe feeling fine I am workingon all the positive energy .
And I do plan to get back tomy story eventually
Love to all HAve a great 4th
KAren

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-06-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

June 29,2006

I am feeling much better Ihave had 4 sessions of chiro and roger is great and he is really helping me My pt is helping and so is my pilates. In about one hour Istat my Rolfing sessions so I am pretty excited.
I was feeling poorly and and in a fog from a sleeping medication my shrink had given me last Friday. I didnt know what was wrong but Iwas sleeping and sleeping and felt like I was in this fog. I realized yesterday that since it was the only new med I was taking and Ihad stopped taking pain meds that it had to be it so I quit and I feel beter
Ihave been talking to Heather about the BED I am trying to give it a shot and its hard She is giving me lots of advice and ways to prepare food
I am enjoying reading some of the other blogs and learning from them. I got an email this morning from someone on my IBS website who lives near me so hopefully we can meet up Iam sure we can help each other out
I have some busy weeks ahead and now putting the chiro in 3 times a week is really stretching the time. We ar going to Bakersfield this weeekend to visit with some relatives visiting from NJ and then next wekend my daughter Rachel willcome home and we wil spend the weekend in Santa Barbara to atend a wedding I am very excited. Ilove SB and havent beenthere ina long time
But I am getting ready for my big trip I am going to Nashville July 22 for the NAtional Hadassah convention. I am so excited Hadass is the worlds largest womens and Zionist organization I am very proud to be part of it. I am on the board of the Northern Region of Hadassah Southern California. We raise money for Israel and the HAdasssah Hospital in Israel and train and educate people from all over the world in the medical profession. Our Hospital accepts everyone even the Arabs, even though we are at war with them.
That is part of the Jewish tradition to help every living soul.
evry year our conventionis ina different city and this is my second time to go. I went 2 years ago when it was in Phoenix. We spend the week in workshops learning about fundraising and health issues and teaching Jewish children, leadership skills, tolerance, educational seminars about what is going on in the mideast. We have veery famous and distinguished speakers and we meet woman from allover the world and have a great time. And there are somany great tours and things to do in NAshville.
I am traveling with about 12 people from here and our first stop is the Grand Ole Opry.
We also vote on a lot of issues that Hadassah takes a stand on in the world.
Its going tobe a wondrful enlightening trip.
Ihave always enjoyed going away on trip and retreats with women. It seems always more fun.
Well Tom mymasage thrapist/rolfing master will be here soon.
I am going tohave a wonderful evening
Lots of love
KAren

Journey- to- Wellness: Journey- to- Wellness

2006-06-24T14:59:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness: Journey- to- Wellness

Today is Saturday June 24,2006

This has been a hard and very busy week and it takes me so long to get on this computer and write my blog. I have to admit I am very fatihful to Heather It s like I need to read what she says.
Heather, I do think of you as a mentor and a coach I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I find I try so hard to be able to write back to Heather and get my true feelings out that it pushes me away from my own blog because I place such importance on Heathers There is so much to learn I am so damn slow about learning and even forming opinions
It is Saturday afternoon I am so exhausted. Its very hot but very hazy. The old me would be down at my pool for the day. I am still having trouble going to the pool And I know I need that exercise. I need it to make my body stronger and I need it to maintain my weight which is really out of control right now. One day I feel lean and flat stomach and the next I am a bloated pig. My constitpaton has a lot to do with it and Ihave been eating poorly .I try and then I forget. Its not that I am eating bad I eat all healthy foods and lots of fruit and veges but I am not getting balanced nutrition Sometimes I just need to eat what's there and I have been eating at odd times.
Well the back and leg pain have gotten way out of control. I am taking too much pain med.
My primary hasn't goptten back tome oin a week after numerous phone calls and a letter. So I am putting myself in charge making my own decisions even if they don't agree with my husbands I am dealing directly with Blue Cross or my providers In physical therapy I made them change my program I was making no progress Now I am getting a deep tissue massage and stretching and the electric stim
When I left Thursday it was the best feeling from there in a long time. I am starting my rolfing on Thursday and I started with my old chiropractor from years ago I have always liked him and believe in him and trust him. There is no insurance there but I am committed so that a lot of cash out of my pocket and I mean my pocket not our pocket which means I am going to have to give up my private pilates and yoga and qigong. Maybe I can work in some classes. Also no splurges on Coach or Nordstums. I have my session with Rhonda. But that will be it I really have a lot of faith in the chiropractic and if insurance comes through on acupuncture I will be thrilled
I am going to be going nearly every day for a year. Plus my other medical appointments at UCLA and therapy.
I know I will have to work my business more. I am in the Skin Care Business and I sell Arbonne.
Even in this crazy week with pain, new refriderator shopping and seeing my best friends new baby I managed 2 presentations and did quite well. One this morning after yoga class whichis why I am probably so tired I had so much trouble getting up maybe I need that nap. It was going to be a relaxing weekend as I have 2 really busy ones coming up.
So I will close for now Thank you all so much for listening to my storiesI feel renewed faith with Roger (the chiropractor) and the Lord. I believe things are going to start getting better and I am never going to have that back surgery
Lots of love to all
In Health
Karen
2:45pm

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-06-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

Day 7

I think I am going to stop labeling these by Day It was my intention to write everyday Oh well We know how that is

TOday is June 19. It haS been 2 weeks since my Cancer Relay and my body has not recovered yet. I have been in an enourmous amount of pain and it is bringing me down I have trouble even writing this.
I want to keep this blog in the now but I did have sever spine damage 3 years ago and I have never beeen the same. After my first surgery I was better but not completely and as a result of surgery I have nerve damagein my leg and in my bladder. And because of the pain meds it really wrecked my IBS. Anyway 3 surgeries later and I am still in excrutiating pain. I really push myself to get past the pain and go on with my life but sometimes it is really hard. I have had so many different kinds of pain in my life but this one has really destroyed the life I knew and was used to.
I am on a path this summer to repair myself and hop that all works out because if it doesnt I am looking at another surgery whichI dont want but I know it is the answr So I want to prove my doctors wrong.
For the past several months I have been activley doing physical therapy, pilates, qigong,massage, energy healing, aquatic exercise and swimming. In the next month I plan to add rolfing,yoga,intuitive healing, coaching classes,acupuncture and pain management.
My plan is to feel much better and strong by mid October which is the end of the Jewish holidays and I plan to go on a mission to Israel. If I am not well than I cant go and I will have to be gearing up for another surgery.
My last surgery was in April. That was to fix my bladder and the incontinence problem that had developed from the spine surgery. I dont even know if my body can handle a surgery tht soon But I am planning on being well.
So I am trying to live my life as positive as I can,learn from Heather if you know her from her blog, Transendbulimia.
I pray alot and have to believe that I will be well.I read from the scriptures and I feel that God will heal me and not let me down.
I will ask you all to pray for me.
Right now this is what is on my mind and I will work into the story I left behibd and never finished
Please bear with me
In love & health
KAren

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-06-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

Day 6

I wanted to write really bad. Its been a very long week for me. My weekend 24 hour Relay for Life was a wonderful experience. This is my 8th year.I have been on the Board of Directors of the American Cancer Society for nearly 20 years. After I lost my mother to cancer I pledged myself to do whatever it takes to find a cure for cancer.
Everyday I am so grateful to not have cancer. When I started having my back problems I was diagnosed with a huge tumor on my spine that they thought was cancer. I was so frightened and sick. And being that I had an HMO it was months down the rode before I even had a biopsy to find out that they were 98% certain it wasnt cancer. It took another 2 months for the surgery to be approved to find out that it wasnt cancer. In the past 20 years I have seen so many friends and relatives develop cancer and many of them died. Its been really hard for me. But my commitment is something I hold on to that maybe in my own small way I make a difference
I have also had 2 scares with breast cancer, one just in the past few months.
But the weekend was one of celebration and memories and education and awareness. And I would go through that day anytime I had to, to help in supporting the fight against cancer.
Unforunately my body doesnt handle this 24 hours very well. It leaves me drained and in a lot of pain. But it doesnt matter. I would walk till Idropped if it would bring back my mother and friends and find a cure.
I have ben on a lot of pain meds this past week. I hate them but now they are necessary.
I have had therapy 3 times this week and the pain is not subsiding. My neurosurgeon is really wanting me to think about more surgery. I am keeping it on the back burner for now I still havent healed up from my bladder surgery 2 months ago.
I have got my electrodes on my back and leg right now. I have been wearing them all week. It gives just a tiny bit of relief.
My IBS is acting up too so its been a bad week. I know I have also been doing too much. My mind is runnning on overtime and the sleeping is hard so I am taking extra meds for sleeping.
tomorrow is my hypnotherapy. I know that will help soon
I dont want to keep writing about my pain because I am on this very high energyfrom Relay. My spirits are good and I am happy and grateful to have had the privilege to walk the track for cancer.

I am very tired so I am going to close.
Next time I will get back tomy story.
In love & health
Karen

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-05-31T15:12:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness Day 5

I know I left off with marty dragging me back home. I was kikcing and fighting the whole time I didnt want to go back to that hell whole
I ned to correct a mistake
marty was my father. and Goldie was my mother. My mother on her own really was a beautiful person She just made a really big mistake that she couldnt ever get out of. All those years growing up she was so sad and her tears crushed me. I knew she was unhappy but I couldnt understand why she didnt save me.
We spent a lot of time at my grandparents home. We were a big family. Lots of aunts and uncles and cousins and my bubbie and pop. I loved them so much. But so much violence and anger went on there as well.
marty hated going there. In his words they were a bunch of "kikes". He was a German Jew with no Jewish upbringing so when we went there and we prayed and sang around the dining room table it meant nothing tohim. We spent every holiday there and he would go and sit in a chair and read the newspaper Never talking to family and constantly criticizing them behind theoir back and my mother stood for it. But when he would get violent at Bubbies house it was something else. He would aregue with my mother and demean us kids while everyone around was just stuck There was nothing they could do. My grandparents just watched as their daughter and grandchildren were abused.
I wanted to go inot that because I dont want anyone to think that he was someone good in my life who saved me as I had heard on some posts
He was just protecting his ass,his big fatbinging ass.
He took me home and locked me away. In the next several years being in and out of school and in and out of hospitals and and the private ones where you are under lock and key.
I knew that I was going to be free and if I wasnt going to be free I was going to be dead
It was around this time that I met Betsy-- Elizabeth Keats formerly Katz. FAther couldnt handle Jewish name. I think I met her in a store I dont even remember. But we bonded instantly I think we were both outcasts. We both came from comfortable homes hers was legitimate mine was criminal (more about that later)
Her father wasa doctor and he gave her everything. She had a sharp brand new sports car that we took NYC by storm. She always scored the best drugs and we just partied. I think they like d it a lot when I wasnt home,so I couldnt influence my younger sister and brother. WHen I came home I was either in the bathroom or my room or my famous middle of the night jogs.
If I had been stupid or had no ambition I could have lived in that party life a lot longer than I did. But I wanted to go to school. It was going to take awhile That year turned out deadly for me. I almost did die and not on purpose I got very sick from our adventures. Ulcerative Colitis which led me to themodern IBS which sometimes I think is deadly.
HAving colitis, an esting disorder, a drug problemand major emotional problems I was a very sick girl.
I was 19 and I have been working hard all these years to get well
I am on the right tracknow.
In Love & Health,
KAren
PS I wont be writing for a few more days I have my big Cancer 24 hour walk coming up and I need to devote my time to working and raising lots of money for American Cancer Society

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-05-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

Day 4

I do aplogize for the length of time it tookme to get back here This has been very hard for me and I guess sometimes I push it to the backof my mind And then sometimes i am scared to face what I need to write.
I had a great sesion with my therapist this week and we opened new doors and I told him things I have never told any one.
I think we are ready to move past the day to day pain and get on with why it is there and how to get rid of it.

I know I left you in Cincinnati. I thought it was going to be my rescue. It changed my life forever but up until I was a grown married woman did I realize that everything needed to happen to get me to where I am now. I am not sure where that is but I have been at better places.
I really loved school and for the most part did well but I had a lot of friends and I got into drugs and politics and it was the vietnam era and my life didnt go so great. I wanted to be free and do what I wanted and still pursue my education. But i got somessed up. I was one of those freshman who proved she couldnt handle it Too much freedom,too much money, too much time
My parents were not happy and they pulled the strings.
They pulled me out after the first year. Said they werent going to pay if I was not going to be serious. I thought I was going to die. I wantd to be at that University more than anything in the world I had great friends We were doing great stuff and they wouldnt send me back.
Ihave a lot of blanks over the next several years so I will try to fillthem inas best as I can.
I just remember I had problems with food and drugs and I looked like alittle boy. I am a small person 5' small boned I had short hair and totally flat. The only time I ever saw breasts was when I was pregnant and nursing and that wasnt until way later
That year is really kind of blocked I know Iworked for a while went to a state college to keep up with school. Tried to save so I could go back to Cincinnati in the fall. I guess Iworked really hard. Had some friends at home that didnt go off to school had a few boyfriends. But when September came around I was ready to go.
I dont remember the family dynamics but Iwent and it was going to be good. Iwent back to my old friends and we went backto partying and I stopped eating . A lot of whats coming is what was told to me.
Well I overdosed and locked myself in the bedroom.
The police broke down the door and carted me off to Childrens Hospital. And then Along CAme MARTY. He came to drag me backto NJ and get help.
I had brought such shame on the family as if anybody knew or even cared. I dont even remember getting help
I dont remember much about what happens next but I do remember Betsy. She came along and changed so much of my world. Those were times I would keep in my heart forever if I could remember it all but I remembr a lot.
If things had been bad with the parents before they were about o get so much worse.
I cant write much at a time I get so tired and my back and leg hurt so much from sitting
I am going to close for today Saturday MAy 26,2006.
But I will write again real soon
I promise
In Love & Health
KAren

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-05-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness DAY 3

I am in the present now. It's been a good day and I would rather write about good things as long as I am feeling well and feeling comfortable with myself.
That's what I search for all the time --my comfort zone. I dont know exactly what it is but when I am in it I know Iam there.
I have heard so many good things from Heather and Emily and I am so grateful to both of them for all that they have given me. I read some posts last night that really stirred me inside and made me remember more about me. There is a lot of me that is buried away and I dont know how to find it I dont know if I want to find it If I ned to find it. But everyday is a new day and it takes us down a new path. Every morning I Praise the Lord for all the gifts he has given me and ask for his blessing and to help me find the way to be well and tolet go of the negative ugly past. This is a new me. I was never like that befoe but I have grasped on to God and I there is a reason for all this and whatever test I am going through I pray it will end soon.
Now I know there is so much more I want to write about Ther are no rules here I can flip back and forth between now and then. Cincinnati was my hope and dream for the future.
But it wasnt like that at all. Everything went wrong. But if it didnt then I wouldnt be here today trying to tell my story.
I saw a lot of friends yesterday and they were all so glad to see me doing so well and walking better and looking better. I had had traction that morning. First time ever. Iwasnt even sure what it was. But it helped so much It took so much pain away
and relaxed the nerves so I could sit and walk and be more comfortable
Today the pain was back Its always back in the morning. I sleep in such crazy positions it alwasys goes out of wack. Ineed to do some stretching and moving to even feel human I tried to visualize the feeling of the traction and put my electrical stimulation on my back and leg. It helped a lot. I have mixed felings about the electric stim. Sometimes it helps sometimes it just feels like these annoying charges going through my leg and back.
I have neurostimulater in my right buttocks. it helps my IBs and Bladder difficulties Sometimes that is annoying but it is ding its job pretty well And thats what I like. My surgeon wants to put in anothr one in my left buttocks to contol the nerves of my spine and leg.
I have committed myself this summer to finding the right tools to help this pain because I dont want another surgery. I have had enough 4 of them Enough Basta!!!
So today I am good. Tomorrow I have a baby shower. In the back of my mind I am scared of the food. I dont like these food situations very much.
I live in a world (meaning my friends,family, associates) where unhealthy food is the norm. I have trouble watching people eat.
My own husband sits down every night and eats a bag of cookies and a bag of pretzels. If we are out he needs to run to the Ralphs. And they say I have an eating disorder.
But Iam happy about tomorrow I love my freind She has gone througha difficult time. going through invitro so we are just so thrilled she is having a healthy baby.
I was lucky to have a healthy baby girl. I had so destroyed my body with my Ed that getting pregnant was aslo very diffficult but it happened and I am so grateful
Now I am in the head togive thanks to God every day for my beautiful baby girl. My beautiful baby girl who was as healthy as could be who at the age of 11 became so anorexic that we almost lost her. It spiraled me down into the worse relapse I have ever had. But that will come later inmy story
My baby is health and all grown up, a big shot career woman and I am as proud of her as I can be. She is everything I never was. She is a huge success.
Well as I am still having a good day I am going to closenow and go enjoy the rest of the day It is friday and I plan to have a great weekend
In love & Health
Karen

Journey- to- Wellness

2006-05-17T16:51:00.001-07:00

Journey- to- Wellness

Day 2

5/17/06

I really did start my life in an uncomfortable zone. I don't remember being very happy. My father was an abusive pig who tormented all of us. My poor mother whom I really did love was a victim in her own life and unavailable to her children. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive and I experienced and witnessed events that just destroyed my world. I had a sister who I hated and a baby brother who I adored. He was 10years younger so he became the principle player in this house of cards that was doomed to collapse at any moment but took 36 years of my life.
I came to believe in later years that it was my poor abused mother who ended up molesting my brother while she left my sister and me to his terror.
My sister 2 years younger, to this day we don't get along. But my brother, who Istill think of as a sweet child died at the age of 42 of a brain hemorrhage.
But I am getting ahead. Yes I grew up in a crazy house. Lived and breathed for the moment I could leave.
The pain and the fear I experienced everyday of being fat and ugly and not good enough and not smart enough and to hear the words "I cant believe you are my own daughter"were too much to bear.
Looking back of course I was pretty and smart and thin (maybe) and had lots of friends but I still lived in the house with the white elephant in the living room.
On the outside we were supposed to be the perfect family, the perfect parents, doing for their children. The charade of trying to fool the outside world.
My aunts tell me now what they knew and what they know, but where were they back then when children were suffering. When their sister was being raped and beaten. They were protecting the grandparents as all good Jewish families do. Keep the family together. Keep all the secrets. That's what's important.
So at the age of 17 in the autumn of 1967 I boarded a jet airliner at JFK to fly off to University of Cincinnati, off to my freedom, off to a whole new world, like a new planet. I could reinvent myself and be perfect and meet all new people and LEARN. I was begging to learn--all about the world, all about what I could accomplish and say good by to Livingston NJ for as long as I could.
I will rest now. It has been a long day
In love & Health
Karen

Day 1

2006-05-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

5/16/06
My name is Karen. I have never done a blog before I have written in a dear friends blog which has helped me on my journey and brought me to this very spot.
I have written journals off and on in my life. I want to be able to capture moments in time that I feel might be very helpful to me later in life.
I shouldl say I dedicate this blog to Heather. She has been so instrumental in helping me.
I have been on this journey for a long time. Its hard to say how long.
I have very few positive feelings about my youth. It was violated and abused and I felt like my soul was being tortured.Into my adult life I felt so worthless and meaningless and shameful. I had trouble sharing and opening up and I felt for a long time that death was the answer. I had to get away, but I didnt know how to or where to go. I didnt know how to ask for help.
I was eating "cheeese and crackers" in the corner when I could have had the banquet. I just learned that phrase not to long ago and it has stuck with me.
I was brought up to believe I wasnt good enough, didnt deserve, wsnt smart enough, wsnt pretty enoughwsnt thin enough!!!!
ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH I AM I AM I AM
I am worn out I will finish later

in love and health