Journey- to- Wellness

Journey- to- Wellness Day 5


I know I left off with marty dragging me back home. I was kikcing and fighting the whole time I didnt want to go back to that hell whole
I ned to correct a mistake
marty was my father. and Goldie was my mother. My mother on her own really was a beautiful person She just made a really big mistake that she couldnt ever get out of. All those years growing up she was so sad and her tears crushed me. I knew she was unhappy but I couldnt understand why she didnt save me.
We spent a lot of time at my grandparents home. We were a big family. Lots of aunts and uncles and cousins and my bubbie and pop. I loved them so much. But so much violence and anger went on there as well.
marty hated going there. In his words they were a bunch of "kikes". He was a German Jew with no Jewish upbringing so when we went there and we prayed and sang around the dining room table it meant nothing tohim. We spent every holiday there and he would go and sit in a chair and read the newspaper Never talking to family and constantly criticizing them behind theoir back and my mother stood for it. But when he would get violent at Bubbies house it was something else. He would aregue with my mother and demean us kids while everyone around was just stuck There was nothing they could do. My grandparents just watched as their daughter and grandchildren were abused.
I wanted to go inot that because I dont want anyone to think that he was someone good in my life who saved me as I had heard on some posts
He was just protecting his ass,his big fatbinging ass.
He took me home and locked me away. In the next several years being in and out of school and in and out of hospitals and and the private ones where you are under lock and key.
I knew that I was going to be free and if I wasnt going to be free I was going to be dead
It was around this time that I met Betsy-- Elizabeth Keats formerly Katz. FAther couldnt handle Jewish name. I think I met her in a store I dont even remember. But we bonded instantly I think we were both outcasts. We both came from comfortable homes hers was legitimate mine was criminal (more about that later)
Her father wasa doctor and he gave her everything. She had a sharp brand new sports car that we took NYC by storm. She always scored the best drugs and we just partied. I think they like d it a lot when I wasnt home,so I couldnt influence my younger sister and brother. WHen I came home I was either in the bathroom or my room or my famous middle of the night jogs.
If I had been stupid or had no ambition I could have lived in that party life a lot longer than I did. But I wanted to go to school. It was going to take awhile That year turned out deadly for me. I almost did die and not on purpose I got very sick from our adventures. Ulcerative Colitis which led me to themodern IBS which sometimes I think is deadly.
HAving colitis, an esting disorder, a drug problemand major emotional problems I was a very sick girl.
I was 19 and I have been working hard all these years to get well
I am on the right tracknow.
In Love & Health,
KAren
PS I wont be writing for a few more days I have my big Cancer 24 hour walk coming up and I need to devote my time to working and raising lots of money for American Cancer Society

Journey- to- Wellness

Journey- to- Wellness

Day 4

I do aplogize for the length of time it tookme to get back here This has been very hard for me and I guess sometimes I push it to the backof my mind And then sometimes i am scared to face what I need to write.
I had a great sesion with my therapist this week and we opened new doors and I told him things I have never told any one.
I think we are ready to move past the day to day pain and get on with why it is there and how to get rid of it.

I know I left you in Cincinnati. I thought it was going to be my rescue. It changed my life forever but up until I was a grown married woman did I realize that everything needed to happen to get me to where I am now. I am not sure where that is but I have been at better places.
I really loved school and for the most part did well but I had a lot of friends and I got into drugs and politics and it was the vietnam era and my life didnt go so great. I wanted to be free and do what I wanted and still pursue my education. But i got somessed up. I was one of those freshman who proved she couldnt handle it Too much freedom,too much money, too much time
My parents were not happy and they pulled the strings.
They pulled me out after the first year. Said they werent going to pay if I was not going to be serious. I thought I was going to die. I wantd to be at that University more than anything in the world I had great friends We were doing great stuff and they wouldnt send me back.
Ihave a lot of blanks over the next several years so I will try to fillthem inas best as I can.
I just remember I had problems with food and drugs and I looked like alittle boy. I am a small person 5' small boned I had short hair and totally flat. The only time I ever saw breasts was when I was pregnant and nursing and that wasnt until way later
That year is really kind of blocked I know Iworked for a while went to a state college to keep up with school. Tried to save so I could go back to Cincinnati in the fall. I guess Iworked really hard. Had some friends at home that didnt go off to school had a few boyfriends. But when September came around I was ready to go.
I dont remember the family dynamics but Iwent and it was going to be good. Iwent back to my old friends and we went backto partying and I stopped eating . A lot of whats coming is what was told to me.
Well I overdosed and locked myself in the bedroom.
The police broke down the door and carted me off to Childrens Hospital. And then Along CAme MARTY. He came to drag me backto NJ and get help.
I had brought such shame on the family as if anybody knew or even cared. I dont even remember getting help
I dont remember much about what happens next but I do remember Betsy. She came along and changed so much of my world. Those were times I would keep in my heart forever if I could remember it all but I remembr a lot.
If things had been bad with the parents before they were about o get so much worse.
I cant write much at a time I get so tired and my back and leg hurt so much from sitting
I am going to close for today Saturday MAy 26,2006.
But I will write again real soon
I promise
In Love & Health
KAren

Journey- to- Wellness

Journey- to- Wellness DAY 3

I am in the present now. It's been a good day and I would rather write about good things as long as I am feeling well and feeling comfortable with myself.
That's what I search for all the time --my comfort zone. I dont know exactly what it is but when I am in it I know Iam there.
I have heard so many good things from Heather and Emily and I am so grateful to both of them for all that they have given me. I read some posts last night that really stirred me inside and made me remember more about me. There is a lot of me that is buried away and I dont know how to find it I dont know if I want to find it If I ned to find it. But everyday is a new day and it takes us down a new path. Every morning I Praise the Lord for all the gifts he has given me and ask for his blessing and to help me find the way to be well and tolet go of the negative ugly past. This is a new me. I was never like that befoe but I have grasped on to God and I there is a reason for all this and whatever test I am going through I pray it will end soon.
Now I know there is so much more I want to write about Ther are no rules here I can flip back and forth between now and then. Cincinnati was my hope and dream for the future.
But it wasnt like that at all. Everything went wrong. But if it didnt then I wouldnt be here today trying to tell my story.
I saw a lot of friends yesterday and they were all so glad to see me doing so well and walking better and looking better. I had had traction that morning. First time ever. Iwasnt even sure what it was. But it helped so much It took so much pain away
and relaxed the nerves so I could sit and walk and be more comfortable
Today the pain was back Its always back in the morning. I sleep in such crazy positions it alwasys goes out of wack. Ineed to do some stretching and moving to even feel human I tried to visualize the feeling of the traction and put my electrical stimulation on my back and leg. It helped a lot. I have mixed felings about the electric stim. Sometimes it helps sometimes it just feels like these annoying charges going through my leg and back.
I have neurostimulater in my right buttocks. it helps my IBs and Bladder difficulties Sometimes that is annoying but it is ding its job pretty well And thats what I like. My surgeon wants to put in anothr one in my left buttocks to contol the nerves of my spine and leg.
I have committed myself this summer to finding the right tools to help this pain because I dont want another surgery. I have had enough 4 of them Enough Basta!!!
So today I am good. Tomorrow I have a baby shower. In the back of my mind I am scared of the food. I dont like these food situations very much.
I live in a world (meaning my friends,family, associates) where unhealthy food is the norm. I have trouble watching people eat.
My own husband sits down every night and eats a bag of cookies and a bag of pretzels. If we are out he needs to run to the Ralphs. And they say I have an eating disorder.
But Iam happy about tomorrow I love my freind She has gone througha difficult time. going through invitro so we are just so thrilled she is having a healthy baby.
I was lucky to have a healthy baby girl. I had so destroyed my body with my Ed that getting pregnant was aslo very diffficult but it happened and I am so grateful
Now I am in the head togive thanks to God every day for my beautiful baby girl. My beautiful baby girl who was as healthy as could be who at the age of 11 became so anorexic that we almost lost her. It spiraled me down into the worse relapse I have ever had. But that will come later inmy story
My baby is health and all grown up, a big shot career woman and I am as proud of her as I can be. She is everything I never was. She is a huge success.
Well as I am still having a good day I am going to closenow and go enjoy the rest of the day It is friday and I plan to have a great weekend
In love & Health
Karen

Journey- to- Wellness

Journey- to- Wellness

Day 2

5/17/06


I really did start my life in an uncomfortable zone. I don't remember being very happy. My father was an abusive pig who tormented all of us. My poor mother whom I really did love was a victim in her own life and unavailable to her children. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive and I experienced and witnessed events that just destroyed my world. I had a sister who I hated and a baby brother who I adored. He was 10years younger so he became the principle player in this house of cards that was doomed to collapse at any moment but took 36 years of my life.
I came to believe in later years that it was my poor abused mother who ended up molesting my brother while she left my sister and me to his terror.
My sister 2 years younger, to this day we don't get along. But my brother, who Istill think of as a sweet child died at the age of 42 of a brain hemorrhage.
But I am getting ahead. Yes I grew up in a crazy house. Lived and breathed for the moment I could leave.
The pain and the fear I experienced everyday of being fat and ugly and not good enough and not smart enough and to hear the words "I cant believe you are my own daughter"were too much to bear.
Looking back of course I was pretty and smart and thin (maybe) and had lots of friends but I still lived in the house with the white elephant in the living room.
On the outside we were supposed to be the perfect family, the perfect parents, doing for their children. The charade of trying to fool the outside world.
My aunts tell me now what they knew and what they know, but where were they back then when children were suffering. When their sister was being raped and beaten. They were protecting the grandparents as all good Jewish families do. Keep the family together. Keep all the secrets. That's what's important.
So at the age of 17 in the autumn of 1967 I boarded a jet airliner at JFK to fly off to University of Cincinnati, off to my freedom, off to a whole new world, like a new planet. I could reinvent myself and be perfect and meet all new people and LEARN. I was begging to learn--all about the world, all about what I could accomplish and say good by to Livingston NJ for as long as I could.
I will rest now. It has been a long day
In love & Health
Karen

Day 1

5/16/06
My name is Karen. I have never done a blog before I have written in a dear friends blog which has helped me on my journey and brought me to this very spot.
I have written journals off and on in my life. I want to be able to capture moments in time that I feel might be very helpful to me later in life.
I shouldl say I dedicate this blog to Heather. She has been so instrumental in helping me.
I have been on this journey for a long time. Its hard to say how long.
I have very few positive feelings about my youth. It was violated and abused and I felt like my soul was being tortured.Into my adult life I felt so worthless and meaningless and shameful. I had trouble sharing and opening up and I felt for a long time that death was the answer. I had to get away, but I didnt know how to or where to go. I didnt know how to ask for help.
I was eating "cheeese and crackers" in the corner when I could have had the banquet. I just learned that phrase not to long ago and it has stuck with me.
I was brought up to believe I wasnt good enough, didnt deserve, wsnt smart enough, wsnt pretty enoughwsnt thin enough!!!!
ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH I AM I AM I AM
I am worn out I will finish later

in love and health